Looking Outward
by Lady Lark
Summary: Alice's thoughts at the end of Please Save My Earth.


looking1 Author's Note: This takes place after the OAV so there is a spoiler alert. I have not read the Manga (it is still untranslated) so some of this is based off of my own imagination and my interpretation of what happened in the Anime. 

The characters are not mine. They belong to their respective owners and the anime is distributed by Viz. Thank you. ^_^ 

Thank you to Mia Skywalker for Betaing this.****

**Looking Outward******

**~~~**~~~**

Shion. Oh how I miss him. I love him. I want him. I want him so much. But I will never truly have him. He is dead these twenty years on the moon. 

And now I have a choice. Do I choose Rin, the reincarnation of the man I love but in a child's body? Or do I choose Haruhiko, the physical embodiment of Shion with the gentle doctor Shukiado's soul? Do I choose the past or the future? 

I have feelings for them both. Rin, that funny, emotional child, is so cute. Yet he scares me. There is something in his eyes that hint of madness and barely repressed fury. I know he loves me. He wants me to remember my past, to be Mokuren to his Shion. And part of me wants that too. But then, there is that part of me that feels that this is wrong somehow. Like it is ok for me to love him as a brother, friend, and for the memory of who he was. But it doesn't feel right to love him in the way he wants me too, as a lover and a lifemate. But I can't break the child's heart on top of everything else that I have done to him. He would never forgive me. 

And I would never forgive myself. 

But I can't stop myself from thinking about Haruhiko. Oh Sarjilim, he is gorgeous. His thick black hair spills into his eyes, making my hand itch to push back. And his eyes, they are so deep and yet surprisingly turbulent like the ocean at night. It is as if he has some troubling secret and its knowledge tears him up inside. I wish there were some way to ease his pain. But I don't know what to do. 

That is the story of my life. I don't know what to do. I can't deny my previous existence like I used to. There is too much evidence, too many memories for me to keep doing that. I now I am faced with a dilemma. What should I do now? 

So here I am, sitting by the fountain at school, trying to piece together my life. I remember the time Rin pleaded with me to be Mokuren. Saying that he and then Shion wanted me to be Mokuren. I should have caught the slip that he made but I didn't, at least not then. Now as I look back I can see all the little slips Rin made. And I wonder why I didn't notice these slips before. I guess I didn't want to. 

Then there is Haruhiko. I was attracted to him from the first time I saw him. I don't know him all that well but there is a part of me that aches to discover what hides behind those eyes of his. 

You know I think it was his eyes that shocked me into remembering my past life with such clarity that I can no longer deny it. I am not sure to thank him or damn him for that. 

After all it only happened this morning. 

I was walking on to the school grounds with my friends Issei and Jinpachi, when something distracted me from my normal train of thought. A whisper of "look over here, look at me" invaded my thoughts. I was so startled that I whirled in the direction of the whisper. And then I saw him. Both of him. 

He was standing motionless watching me. Then I saw another image superimposed over his features. The image was of a man long dead. I was shocked. How did I know that? Then like a dam bursting, my mind flooded with images of a long forgotten and denied life. Overwhelmed, my mind sought sanctuary and found it in oblivion. 

I fainted for the second time in my life. The first was when my mother confronted me about my intention of marrying Rin. My initial response was to scream "NO!" but then in back of my consciousness a little voice exulted. That voice along with a whisper of a memory caused my mind to shy away. The second time I was forced to confront my past was no different. 

You know it is funny when I think about it, but the two men I love have both caused me to lose consciousness. And both men have caused me to awaken. I am a different person because of it. I am no longer plain Alice Sakaguchi. I am Alice and Mokuren. 

So the question is. Which one of the men love me do I choose? 

~~~**~~~ 

This has the potential to be the start of a multi part fic based off of Please Save My Earth, however it can stand on its own. Let me know what you want me to do and I will try to comply.   



End file.
